June 6th, 2014

"Twinkle, twinkle..."

[Original, in Russian: http://amfora.livejournal.com/85283.html
Many thanks to author for his help on polishing the translation.]

“Brother, your house is on fire!”
“Proof or GTFO.”
“Look at the window, dammit!”
“F@#king Mafia! They hijacked fire-trucks and came to rob me! Help!”
“Brother, calm down. Open the door before the blaze spreads.”
“You liar! You always wanted my house!”
“What about that smoke?”
“Someone puffing on contraband cigars.”
“It’s freaking black! What kind of tobacco can give that hue?”
“Student living next door surely smoking some pot. It’s him.”
“I saw him half-a-hour ago. He jumped out of window and ran for his life, away from fire.”
“F@#kin Fire-Truck Mafia just went through the window of my neighbor and kidnapped the poor boy out of his bed! That’s a crime! Help!”
“Brother, you can’t think straight because of all that smoke.”
“Get the f@#k out of my life!”
“Brother, the house is already ablaze. Please, open the door for us!”
“No way! You are such a scum!”
“Fire engulfed the first floor entirely. Look outside of your room and see it by yourself.”
“I shouldn’t. You've surely hired killers to off me; if I leave my room, I’m toast.”
“Heck, what do you want?”
“Show me the proof!”
“Here’s a link to Youtube video.”
“This look shopped. I can tell it by the pixels.”
“Turn on your TV. Your house is on live feed.”
“Nope.”
“What channel you on?”
“Fox News!"
“Switch to Russia Today.”
“Those lying Ruskies? Never! It was banned in my area, anyway.”
“Look, if you want to be immolated, I can understand that. Just let your wife and chidren out…”
“F@#king Fire-Truck Mafia wants to kidnap my wife and kids! They rape her and eat them for sure! Help!”
“Brother, the fire just got to your window.”
“F@#k! My house is indeed on fire!”
“Tell me the code from the grate, we’ll do the rest.”
“No! You’ll cover my house with napalm to burn me quickly!”
“You’re such an imbecile…”
“F@#k off, you hillbilly democratic k@ke! You came here because you had a kitchen fire decade ago; do you want to raze my house in revenge?”
“Look, quit swearing. All we want to put that fire down.”
“I’ve just called REAL fire brigade!”
“What fire brigade? We’re here already!”
“They’re professionals from Washington, DC!”
“Are you nuts? They can’t get here in a week! You’d be freaking charcoal by then.”
“Nope, dude. I’ve reached the agreement with them and just have to wait calmly and not to open anyone until they arrive. Oh, there was a clause about ‘Local Fire Brigade Impostors’ of yours; I should not help you in any way.”
“Brother, we brought water tanks to quell the fire. I can fill a mug form open hose and drink it for you to see.”
“Neh. You’ll piss back in the tank while I doesn’t look.”
“Oh dear. What are you going to do?”
“Wait for REAL firefighters, of course! I and only I have the right to decide who’s worthy to extinguish fire in my house! And I don’t need your advice – you’re in collusion of F@#king Fire-truck Mafia who wanted to rape my wife, devour my children and rob my house.”
“Look, there’s bad news for you… We checked that “Washington Fire Brigade”. You dialed wrong phone number. It’s fake; even worse, it belongs to known arsonist.”
“You are the only arsonist here.”
“He burned five houses last time. I can provide addresses.”
“It was for their own good. New, better houses were built over the ashes; he’ll do it for me too.”
“Ahem. Who, exactly, benefitted from this treatment?”
“That squint-eyed yellow ape from other side of the town.”
“In fact, Mr. Yamato’s family worked hard for fifty years to rebuild the damage to their house…”
“So? These f@#kers won’t even scratch if their old hovel haven’t been burned.”
“Okay. You have to live; you have to build new house, then move to it, and then you can burn old one, right?”
“Nope, contract said that burning old home is necessary for building new one.”
“Sorry?”
“Advanced Democratic Voodoo FTW! I’m protected by it.”
“Look, you’ll be burned in the bonfire that you made out of your house.”
“No way, I have enough aluminum foil. I can make a hat, I can make a coat. It’ll save me from your evil thoughts!”
“Listen, you’re now in a freaking furnace. The foil won’t help, you’ll roast in it; think about your family, they don’t want to bury your charred remains…”
“F@#k! My own brother put a foil around me and stove me into furnace! Help! My own family wants to see my charred remains buried! Help!”
“You’re such an idiot…”
“Idiot yourself! [cough] Criminal! [cough] Die, redneck! [cough] You Communist! [cough] You’ll burn in hell! [cough] F@#k! [cough] Can’t breathe… Fire! F@#king fire around me! [cough] Help! Can someone f@#cking help me? I’M ON FIRE!!! SAVE ME!!!”

Meanwhile, the fire brigade stationed outside grew kinda impatient with the events:
“So? We’re breaking the gates or what? Why we should let this sick f@#k die?”